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It was the night before Christmas and all through the house…was the smell of Mother boiling the turkey giblets for tomorrow’s gravy. Our very very special turkey was preordered so far in advance that when Bro and I went to pick it up we were order number 51; standing on either side of us in the queue at the butcher were people with six-digit reference numbers. Our poor bird was probably put down for us at birth as if for some kind of competitive private school. Turkey no. 51 is currently hanging out in the front hall with the bicycles; if it were at one of those private schools it would be smoking nonchalantly in the bike shed.

Today was all about preparatory work: a surgical strike on Sainsbury’s for veg and other trimmings; applying some elbow grease to seriously tarnished candlesticks; marzipanning and icing the cake; and wrestling oddly shaped items into the incredibly fragile, vaguely slimy, really cheap wrapping paper that’s been sitting around for as long as I can remember. This year, as last, it’s Pa who’s going to get the biggest and most exciting presents. Gone are the days of coming downstairs on Christmas morning, having already opened one’s stocking in bed, and finding at least two huge boxes all wrapped up in this stuff:

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This never-ending roll lives to fight another year…

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Photo by Gordon Baird, from the BBC News Website

Every Friday the Scotland page on the BBC News Website runs “Your Pictures: Readers’ photographs depicting life around Scotland”. On a weekly basis, therefore, I click through the dozen or so images like a patient with a morphine drip, numbing yet feeding the nostalgia. This week the first image happens to be the view from the cottage window: the hills of Arran in the Sound of Bute. It’s been so long since I was last there that I can’t even recall with any certainty when it was – possibly as many as three years ago. At the end of the road, at the end of a peninsula, surrounded by water on three sides, is a place that is small in interior dimensions but expansive in prospect: place to belong. This summer, I go.

Image from Earth Observatory via Chicagoist

lantern waste

After an outcry, Edinburgh City council are to remove a newly erected lamppost in order to preserve this panorama of Princes Street from the Calton Hill.

As both this image and the BBC reportage shows, there has in fact always been a lamppost on this site, it just wasn’t as offensive, seeing as it was fashioned in new town style, and could also be cannily blended into the Dugald Stewart Monument as above. I love the fact that aesthetic considerations and Edinburgh’s mania for preservation surmount public safety concerns, especially given Calton Hill’s tourist-attraction-by-day-bacchanalian-mount-by-night reputation. (The Wikipedia entry places this information front and centre such a way to cast a new light on my back garden.) The best place from which to take this shot is probably astride the Portugese cannon aimed straight at the clockface of the North British Hotel. Being astride the canon also makes for much lascivious hilarity, as evidenced here.

Finally, and in contradistinction, here’s an Edinburgh view that derives its iconic status from the very presence of the (decidedly old school) streetlamp:

photo trail, originally uploaded by fishsuckeggs.

And, lo, unohoo looms in the background too. This omnipresence is alternately reassuring or a vast psychological strain, depending on the day job’s situation report.

of tax and teacakes

O tax season, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…

In celebration of the second year in which the taxman doesn’t unexpectedly and soul-crushingly take an extra third of my net income in one fell swoop, I give you this heart-warming story about value added tax (VAT), 3.5 million pounds sterling, and the humble teacake.

In a grave taxonomic error (incidental pun), the teacake was classified as a biscuit, as opposed to a tax-exempt cake, for fiscal purposes. (There’s something quite Marie Antoinette-ish about that and it wholly affirms my belief in the general superiority of cake to cookies.) The question of classification is vexed: all linguistic signs point clearly to cakehood; but the teacake itself has a biscuit base; yet the whole thing is dominated by its marshmallow filling – the BBC has helpfully laid out the classification of baked goods for the ontologically curious here. Anyway, consumers consequently paid VAT on chocolate-covered domes of marshmallowy goodness to the tune of 17.5% for twenty years. The European Court of Justice has just ruled that Marks and Spencer, whose teacake was mired in fiscal wranglings, is owed £3.5 million by the Treasury for taxes paid unnecessarily.

All this has induced some mouth-watering homesickness. Never mind the Marks and Spencer teacake. Only a Scottish company could produce such a devastatingly satisfying and enamel-dissolving confection. The paradigmatic teacake is manufactured by Tunnocks, founded in 1890 and still producing goodies in their factory just south of Glasgow. Its packaging is iconic and appears to have remained unchanged since at least the 1950s:


Tunnock’s Tea Cake, originally uploaded by itspaulkelly.

My grandparents used to serve us these when we visited for afternoon tea. We would eat them sitting on the floor by the gas fire in the sitting room with puzzling wallpaper (three walls one pattern one another). The sweet chocolate melted on contact with our fingers and the sticky marshmallow stuck to the roofs of our mouths. Now the foil wrapper with its brave colours and imperialistic fonts seems as nostalgically reassuring and indulgent as the effervescent sweetness melting away on your tongue.

decline and fall

For reasons too complicated to enumerate here and now, all the best books (history, fiction, travelogue, whatever) begin with a map.

How exciting, then, to open the abridged edition (D. M. Low, New York, 1960) of Gibbon’s The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (1776) and find this:

The bad news for today’s reading, however, is that the inscription by an unknown/illegible reader in the top left-hand corner reads:

I have tried a number of times to read this but even abridged it is just too verbose. XX, 2nd Jan, 76

Eeeeep! How’s that for a caveat? Thankfully, my training in convoluted, latinate prose has been thoroughgoing.

On a more pleasant note, literary cartophiliacs might like this visual interpretation of ‘Tintern Abbey’.

Last summer, when I was in Edinburgh for about four weeks, I conducted a casual survey amongst friends and family, hoping to ascertain whether anyone had 1) read any of Walter Scott’s novels or 2) whether anyone could name at least three of the twenty-six. The poll was entirely unscientific and wildly uncontrolled; the sample included Scots and Sassenachs, young and old – the single criterion for participation being taking tea at our kitchen table. In itself this yields a very particular demographic, one that perhaps freakishly approximates Scott’s ideal readership – the educated Edinburgh professional bourgeoisie – in fact. I should have kept a running total of the law degrees and New Town addresses as well as ascertained their views on the union. Of course, what I found was that only those over 60 had read any Scott (Old Mortality under duress as part of the 1950s curriculum) and that those of my generation couldn’t get beyond Waverley in naming the novels, if that. Incidentally, very few of the native Edinburghers knew why Waverley station was so named.

Of course, like any good survey, these results merely confirmed what is already known: no one reads Walter Scott these days, except for masochists and academics (two categories easily conflated). My drinks party chatter on Walter Scott runs along the the lines of drawing a parallel between Scott’s monument and his reputation: both are monolithic, begrimed, and aesthetically rather baroque, but both tower impressively at the heart of contemporary Edinburgh. Viz:

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Constantly looking to account for the relevance of my work, I tend to find Scott’s influence all over the place. My most recent (reductively distilled and not very nuanced) construction of the narrative goes something like this: Scott was a sensational bestseller in the 1810s and 20s, he was the literary celebrity at the centre of Edinburgh’s burgeoning post-Enlightenment literary culture. Generically, his work remasculinised both novel reading and novel writing. The Waverley novels were a force in the literary marketplace and were circulated in myriad forms, some authorised (the Magnum Opus edition with extra annotations), many unauthorised (anthologies and illustrated gift books). His descriptions purveyed a particular image of Scotland (and especially the Highlands) to Britain and, in translation, to the rest of the world, which captured the contemporary imagination to the extent that Scott has been credited with beginning the Scottish tourist trade. Interrogating this claim would take some extended archival elbow grease, but his sentimentalised view of the Highlands is a hallmark of current Scottish tourism. The Waverley novels are examples of a particular historiography that imaginatively reconstructs the past to produce a narrative for the present and future. This narrative promotes the unity and prosperity of Britain in a forward-looking manner, whilst nostalgically preserving Scotland’s cultural distinctiveness in a politically neutralised form. It is an ambivalent endorsement of the status quo.

The Victorians, enthusiastically making his neutralised Highlands their playground, found in Scott’s novels a matrix of vigour, health, and manliness. The trajectory of historical progress was seen reflected in imperial expansion and commercial might. The monument, erected between 1841 and 1844 with an Act of Parliament, is a symbol of their optimism and esteem. It’s tempting to see the decline and fall of Sir Walter Scott as concomitant to the decline and fall of the British Empire. Certainly, swashbuckling adventure stories for boys didn’t survive into modernity retaining the same kind of nationalist/imperialist ideology. In 1916 the lexicographer Sir William A. Craigie prefaced an anthology of selections from the Waverley Novels in an ‘o tempora, o mores!‘ vein:

There are two statements which are very commonly made at the present time about the younger generation in Scotland. The one is that the young people have no proper knowledge of the language of their fathers and forefathers; the other is that they do not, and will not, read the Waverley Novels. Whether the state of things is quite so bad as this may be a matter of opinion, but there can be no doubt that there is a good deal of truth in each of the statements. Now it would clearly be a misfortune, not to say a disgrace, if Scottish children were actually to grow up without a knowledge of their own language, and without having read one of the greatest authors of their country. To prevent this from taking place is the aim of the present book.

(J. K. Craigie, ed. Scottish Selections from the Waverley Novels [Oxford University Press, 1916], p. 3)

Reading Scott is associated with backbone, derring-do, a sense of duty, and the stiff upper lip. Craigie’s prescription for Scotland’s youth is a daily dose of moral fibre and a dash of cultural distinctiveness. The dual nature of the complaint that the anthology is designed to remedy is indicative of the ambiguity at the heart of Scott’s work (something that doesn’t seem to worry Craigie overly). Scots should be culturally literate but remain good citizens of the empire. Given that the above are more like prerequisites for reading and enjoying Scott the question as to whether the novels instill this is still, perhaps, a matter of doubt.

I’ve had the Made of Honor trailer inflicted on me at the cinema twice already this year and whilst I’m generally resistant to the charms of Patrick Dempsey’s blue-eyed, floppy-haired buffoonery and to the whole ‘friends-realise-what’s-under-their-noses-at-the-last-minute’ plot trajectory, the trailer almost redeemed itself by making an explicit reference to Scotland’s distinct national and cultural identity. I’m mighty impressed that the two minute trailer takes it upon itself to clarify to a largely American audience, once again, that Scotland is not part of England, nor is England synonymous with Britain. This leads me to wonder what sort of Scottish interest groups are invested in the film.

I can’t quite work out from this whether Scotland functions as anything more than either a picturesque backdrop (the shots of Eilean Donan and the countryside come straight from tourist board paraphernalia) or an available set of national stereotypes mobilised for comedic value.

This version of the trailer features Dempsey undergoing trials of strength at a Highland Games in order to prove himself worthy of the bride (beginning around the 1.30 minute mark).

The intersection of the film’s threads of gender-reversal and cultural difference in this scene lands Dempsey in the unenviable position of participating in a tug of war clad in a mini-kilt. On the surface, this is the tartan-monster/shortbread-box version of Scotland, one that is easily packaged and exported for the benefit of tourism. Beneath this lie questions as to how these images were generated and gained currency and the nature of the relationship between these images and the current idea of the nation.

Heigh-ho, I suppose I’ll have to see the film… quite clearly, this is just a highfalutin justification for seeing a frivolous movie. I’ll stop short, however, at entering the competition to get married at the premiere.

life begins at…

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The beloved Volvo hit a (figurative) milestone this morning on the Ryan and, in honour of this momentous (and hopefully not portentous) event, I’m compelled to write a few words in an outpouring of what I call ‘Volvolove’.

My motorcar is one of my most treasured possessions. I bought it from my flatmate when she got a new car to keep it in the family, knowing that it was a car with character, but ignorant of its true motor-icon status. The Volvo 240 has definite retro-chic cachet and, indeed, rather a cult following. (Check out the esteem, affection, and loyalty behind some of these shots.) It turns out that a car does confer status: my 1988 GL is perhaps the only truly vintage item in my otherwise conspicuously consumptive existence. The others, my laptop (2004) and my violin (c.1850) are each, in their own way, simply antiquated. Combined, this little lot denote genteel poverty; an ancient Volvo (even without dogs and wellies in the boot) is still a Volvo nevertheless.

The old thing has been having a bit of a rough time of late. It was thoroughly discombobulated by a forceful rear-ending about a month ago that tore the engine mounts and shook everything out of kilter. Equilibrium has been restored and we live to fight another day in the urban jungle. Earlier this week, shortly after it had been repaired, I returned to the car after a long day in the library (eat, read, eat, read, run, read, eat, read, sleep is the order of the day, these days) and, as I approached it on the by-then deserted street where I had parked that morning, I noticed that the front bumper was hanging precariously off the front. Grumbling inwardly about having to go back to the mechanics to get it reset, and cursing the dodgem-car character of Chicago street parking, I put my bag on the bonnet and rummaged around for my keys. It was only once I had located them and was mere inches away from sticking the key in the lock that I noticed a White Sox sticker in the windscreen and realised that I was about to try to break and enter someone else’s car. I slunk off further up the street to my own white 240, greatly relieved that I wouldn’t have to shell out for the bumper but feeling more than a little foolish in a ‘I don’t think anyone saw that so my goofiness is my secret’ kind of a way.

In my defence, I would like to note that between 1974 and 1993 Volvo made over 2.8 million of the 200-series car – there are lots and lots on the road in Chicago alone, and most of them are white.

I’d sum up my steadfast Volvolove as an enthralling combination of enduring affection, admiration, and dependency, tinged with not a small amount of anxiety with regard to potential breakdowns and erratic behaviour. My thinking on the latter is that reciprocity is the way to go: if I don’t take it for granted and look after it, it will hopefully look after me. Here’s to the next 150,000.

top 5 novelistic crushes

In keeping with the list-making theme of the week, and with a respectful nod to Nick Hornby (surely on the shortlist for the best and snarkiest listmaker ever) here’s a list in place of a hallmark sentiment. Since I seem to be spending more time with the characters of nineteenth-century fiction than anyone else right now, here are the leading (or sometimes peripheral) men to whom I’m sending a virtual valentine:

  1. Fergus Mac-Ivor (Waverley) – haughty, impassioned, tragic, and wears tartan
  2. Edward Rochester (Jane Eyre) – arrogant tease, nearly reformed bad boy
  3. Frederick Wentworth (Persuasion) – writes bold letters and capable of steadfast endurance
  4. Fitzwilliam Darcy (Pride and Prejudice) – haughty, loaded (nice house)
  5. Sydney Carton (A Tale of Two Cities) – talented but profligate mess who gets his act together in the end

xoxo

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